(always last and never least) GRIEVING
LOSING A LOVED ONE
I really loved and highly recommend Little Matches, which is about losing a daughter at age 33 to cystic fibrosis. The author, Maryanne O’Hara, lives in Boston and is now an End-of-Life Doula. Her late daughter, Caitlin, was influential in trying to save the Prouty Garden at Children’s Hospital. The book is mostly about all the strange coincidences and “signs” O’Hara received both before and after her daughter’s death, about her skepticism of such things, and her scientific research into questions about the afterlife and reincarnation.
Here is a quote which comes as O’Hara is about to pass the 2nd year anniversary of her daughter’s death: “The timeline of grief is not linear, and I’m learning that my open-mindedness about grief’s persistence is valuable to others who are inclined to hide pain. But sharing is a balance, and I take care not to tip the balance over to my side. People ask how I am and I’ve taken to saying, in a normal voice, 'It’s just the hardest thing in the world, it’s daily suffering. Thank you so much for asking. It’s good to be able to share that.’ Then—silence for a bit before, ‘And how are you doing?’ More often than not, the asker shares something important, too, and there we are: connected.”
— Sh*t S*bling review by Michelle R.
little matches: a memoir of grief and light (book)
Weaving together a series of interconnected meditations with illuminating glimpses of life rendered via text messages, e-mails, and journal entries, Little Matches is a profound reflection on life and death, motherhood, the pain of chronic uncertainty, and finding inspiration in the unexpected sparks that light our way through the darkness.
the atlantic: ‘dear therapist’ writes to herself in her grief (article)
“This week, I decided to submit my own ‘Dear Therapist’ letter following my father’s death. As a therapist, I’m no stranger to grief, and I’ve written about its varied manifestations in this column many times. Even so, I wanted to write about the grief I’m now experiencing personally, because I know this is something that affects everyone. You can’t get through life without experiencing loss. The question is, how do we live with loss?”
nyzencenter: grief and bereavement support (site)
“Although grief can cause great suffering, it can also provide a powerful opportunity for transformation; by deepening the connection to loved ones and our own life, we can expand our understanding of ourselves and life.”
When I started working on the vision for this site with my website developer, Elizabeth, she had just suffered the tragic loss of her brother. As we discussed my elder-centric lens, she wondered whether I wanted to make room for universal death experiences.
In the same vein, a friend recently reached out for resources to support someone whose father had died suddenly and unexpectedly. While he was technically an “elder,” he was only 70 with no indication of health issues, so his death was shocking for the whole family. I immediately thought of the Good Grief page on Elizabeth’s site into which she channeled her anguish to “comfort those who have lost someone, and educate those who want to help them.” I offer her sincere end-of-life insights to you now.
Yours truly, Irreverent Rachel
what’s your grief (site)
“As mental health professionals who have experienced significant losses ourselves, we know individual grief is unique and there is no ‘right’ way to cope. Our goal is to create a community that provides hope, support, and education to anyone wishing to understand the complicated experience of life after loss.”
LOSING A SPOUSE
sterling silver ring holder (necklace)
“For a ring you can't wear on your finger but want to keep close to your heart. For a ring you can't bear to part with.”
a long walk (podcast)
“In this podcast, I chat with fellow walkers, hikers and Pilgrims about their journeys, as we share stories of the power of walking to heal.”
LOSING A MOTHER
I am proud to call fellow writer Peg Conway a friend. Peg uses her writing to help herself and others process the unique grief that is mother loss, and has a forthcoming memoir on the topic. Peg lost her mother when she was only seven, yet when I recently witnessed the experience of my Middle-of-Shit-mentioned friend, Celeste, mourning her elder mother, I suddenly understood why there is so much written on this topic. Many thanks to Celeste for recommending the article and associated books (below) that helped her integrate the unfathomable.
Yours truly, Irreverent Rachel
the new yorker: the unmothered (article)
“In my journal from that period, instead of writing how I felt, I sought out and copied everything that seemed to express what to me was inexpressible.”
the dead moms club (site)
“When my mom died, I was told that I'd joined a club. It’s one we'll all be a part of one day—some of us just join a little early. The Dead Moms Club is a space where people ‘in the club’ can connect in-person and virtually through events, storytelling, and more.”
the dead moms club: a memoir about death, grief, and surviving the mother of all losses (book)
“Kate Spencer lost her mom to cancer when she was 27. In The Dead Moms Club, she walks readers through her experience of stumbling through grief and loss, and helps them to get through it, too. This isn't a weepy, sentimental story, but rather a frank look at what it means to go through gruesome grief and come out on the other side.”
slate: unmothered, on mother’s day (article)
Meghan O’Rourke: “Remembering my mother on the holiday she hated.”
the guardian: the long goodbye - a memoir of grief (article)
“This is the beating heart of her memoir, I think, and the reason, perhaps, that it exists at all. O'Rourke cannot get over how few means there are for the 21st century bereaved to reveal their unwanted status to the world: no wake, no mourning clothes, no black armbands.”
LOSING A FATHER
the new yorker: notes on grief (article)
“From England, my brother set up the Zoom calls every Sunday ... My father was teasing my brother Okey about a new nickname, then he was saying that he hadn’t had dinner because they’d had a late lunch, then he was talking about the billionaire from the next town who wanted to claim our village’s ancestral land. He felt a bit unwell, had been sleeping poorly, but we were not to worry. On June 8th Okey went to Abba to see him and said that he looked tired. On June 9th, I kept our chat brief so that he could rest. He laughed quietly when I did my usual playful imitation of a relative. ‘Ka chi fo,’ he said (‘Good night.’). His last words to me. On June 10th, he was gone. My brother Chuks called to tell me, and I came undone.”