The Selfish Necessity of Self-Care
The next time I update my resume, I’m going to add my deep and broad experience in project managing the sh*t out of death.
During my mom’s two recent hospital stays and near-death adventures, my husband and I kicked into that familiar high gear we have honed for the past ten years — supporting my mom, supporting her extended family, and supporting each other — all while raising a kid, working full time jobs, and keeping three pets alive.
As it always does, my adrenalin surge kept me from feeling anything but competent and calm. So it was only after my mom was home from the hospital that I realized I was a week behind at work, that I missed my son’s ballet lesson and hadn’t paid the teacher in two months, and that my typical lack of self-care in these moments meant I was in chronic physical pain and cycling into the usual self-image self-loathing. The straw that broke this camel’s back was when Mom’s emotional defenses kicked in and she acted daft about almost dying, and was all put-out about her daily allotment of Extra Strength Tylenol. I might be guilty of ripping her head off.
Which is why I gave myself a break.
I didn’t used to be good at stepping away from other- and self-imposed obligations, but having suffered the consequences many times in the past decade, I have finally learned when to declare Me Time. At this moment that is no small feat, since social engagements are on the rise post Covid vaccinations, both a happy distraction and another demand. I also WANTED to spend quality time with the kid, and NEEDED to prep all his kit for camp and tend to a geriatric Frenchie yelping with her own back pain.
For all these reasons, when the folks at singlecare.com reached out with an article they just published on caregiver burnout, I saw my recent experiences reflected in every single paragraph: “Caregiver burnout is a state of total exhaustion” … “you are using up energy and hours normally devoted to your own well-being” … “emotions like anger, sadness, and fear can be harder to control than usual” … “a caregiver may begin making simple mistakes like forgetting appointments.”
So I went to the woods because I wished to recalibrate.
Over the Fourth of July weekend my husband, two pups, and I hiked and camped and chillaxed. We didn’t mind the rain on the first day, and treated ourselves to take-out and restaurant meals to cut down on the things we carried (so to speak, in our car). At a nearby kids’ camp they were celebrating Interdependence Day, a nod to community-building and a term that struck me as relevant for the elder parent / adult child caregiver relationship. At the start of life, a child is dependent on their “elder” and at the end of life that elder is dependent on their child.
And yet, this interdependence is unique to every family, as my friend Jen attests in the latest Irreverent Audio. In our conversation we cover estrangement, an adult child’s “duty” to a failing parent, an immobile elder’s inclination to amass, what you have to do when you learn your mother has been dead in her home for five days, and all the experts available to assist in the moments leading up to and after such a moment. The conversation was so rich (and also may have been interrupted by an incontinent canine) that Part 2 covering the End of Sh*t will come next.
In my own interdependent moment, I’m looking forward to spoiling my mom with a fancy dinner to celebrate her 87th birthday at the end of the month. I’ll make reservations, tell Mom to protect the time in her hectic schedule, and coordinate a surprise visit from my sibling and niece. And when my sister asks if it’s “a go” so she can book her daughter’s flights I’ll say: “For sure, with the asterisk of whether Grandma will make it to that moment. So you can either insure the tickets or just plan to come for a memorial…!”